100 things I would do if I owned Bones for a day
by Dr Madness
Summary: In celebration of the 100th episode tomorrow, I have posted this; 100 things I would do if I owned Bones for a day. All of it is completely true, some more unusual and random than others, however this list has always been a dream of mine. To own Bones...


**Just a cute, random little thing I decided to post to honor the celebration of the 100****th**** episode, hence there being a top 100 :) Not really M rated, I just want to keep all my stories under that rating. Enjoy**

**Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Bones, this is a 'what if' fic :)**

**100 things I would do if I owned Bones for a day**

**1) **I'd steal Brennan's transcript for her latest novel and change all the 'Andy's in the sex scenes to 'Booth's.

**2) **Jump up and down on the platform shouting, "KING OF THE LAB! KING OF THE LAB!" Until Hodgins chases me off.

**3) **Invite all the Bones fans round to the lab and throw a huge party for the upcoming 100th episode.

**4) **Plant incriminating evidence of Brennan and Booth 'getting it on' on the exam table in Angela's DVD player.

**5) **Buy earmuffs for number 4 (Angela's scream would surely deafen half of Washington)

**6) **Follow Booth around and repeatedly mention how hot Brennan looked in that Wonder Woman outfit of hers (if he fails to retaliate and punch me in the face, then skip to number 7)

**7) **Ask Brennan out (if that doesn't get Booth's attention, I will resign in despair)

**8) **Break into the loony bin and bust Zach out *woop woop!*

**9) **(Referring to number 8) Exit through gift shop and buy a 'My friend went to a mental hospital and all he got me was this shirt.' T-shirt.

**10) **(This is self explanatory) *Jogs over to the Hoover building* "Oh hey, Deputy Director Hacker... ***KNEES IN THE GROIN*** .......asshole."

**11) **Dress up in a federal agent suit, claim to be from the government and tell Hodgins that aliens have landed on Earth. We need his help and expertise!

**12) **Secretly place Booth's 'Cocky' belt buckle down the backside of Brennan's office couch. Alert Angela immediately...

**13) **Beat Mr Nigel Murray to the punch and state as many random facts as I can before we figure out who killed the guy.

**14) **Ask Hank Booth for those precious baby pictures of Booth prancing around in a diaper and cowboy hat...*set as screen saver* Mwahaha...

**15) **Decorate Booth's SUV with bumper stickers as well as a 'If the SUV's a-rockin, don't come knockin' sign.

**16) **Slip some Pro plus pills into Daisy's coffee and set her loose on an agitated Dr Brennan. I am evil, aren't I?

**17)** "Look how small your gun is Booth!!" (teasing Booth is fun)

**18) **Dress up in a skeleton costume and dance around limbo, freaking out grad students and interns a like.

**19) **Continuously go on about what a cute couple her and Booth would make, to Brennan.

**20) **Ask Sweets what razor he uses when shaving. "You can hardly see any stubble at all!"

**21) **Handcuff Brennan and Booth together for a day (they will either kill each over or do each other, though I prefer the latter myself)

**22) **Employ Greg House to give motivational speeches to grad students. Any psychological trauma caused will not be held liable to the Jeffersonian- though we will offer Sweet's services for any severe cases of 'crying interns'.

**23)** Climb on top of the examination table and shout, "I TELL YOU HE DEAD!" while pointing at some bone remains.

**24) **Mess up the bones boxes in limbo and run.

**25) **Take Fisher to stand up comedy night at a bar and let him 'warm up the crowd' (avert your children's eyes and ears NOW)

**26) **Buy a saddle, some reins and a whip, put them on Booth's desk and leave a message saying: "Giddy up, cowboy. Tonight at mine, from Bones xx" (extra credit if you've seen the pony play episode. Yee haw!)

**27) **Blackmail federal agents and wreak destruction and havoc on the roads of Washington.

**28) **Tell Brennan she needs to meet Booth in a closet urgently and do the same to Booth (then I will conveniently _'lose'_ the key)

**29) **Hang out at the diner with B/B.

**30) **Send out the pictures of Hodgins, fully bearded and sporting a wicked afro.

**31) **Go to the founding fathers and pretend to be a bartender asking for Sweet's ID.

**32) **Introduce "National Bones day", a day dedicated to everything bones related.

**33) **Set off the contamination alarms and make sure Booth and Brennan share a shower during _decontamination..._(sounds dirty)

**34) **Get Sweets hammered, place him in a trolley and stick a postage note on his forehead saying, "I'm not drunk; I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."

**35) **Drop hints to Booth about how sexy Brennan thinks he is when he goes all alpha-male on her.

**36) **Put mistletoe above Brennan's door every time Booth's at the lab.

**37) **Attach a picture of Agent Perotta to one of the guns firing sheets when Brennan goes to the firing range (and you can bet she'll get her right between the eyes)

**38) **Give Hodgin's Booth's gun and see it melt before my eyes in a tub of boiling acid.

**39) **Lend my body to the squint squad for scientific testing (no probing!)

**40) **Whenever a case is solved, suddenly burst into song and dance, singing..."Dem bones, dem bones..."

**41)** Send provocative and explicit emails to Booth and sign them with a question mark (but write Bones underneath anyway)

**42) **Get a tattoo of the Bones logo on my arm.

**43) **Tell Wendell that all the woman at the Jeffersonian are cougars and after his young, fresh body so they can feed off it.

**44) **Live in the Egyptian exhibit and ward off sex starved employees (cough, cough; Angela and Hodgins)

**45) **Make up a game called 'Hide the bones' and run like hell when Brennan walks in.

**46) **Tell national security to arrest Hodgins and lock him up for 24 hours (everybody loves a conspiracy driven mad, slime and bug guy)

**47) **Dress up as a superhero and join Sweets at a comic book convention (super nerd is already taken- darn!)

**48) **Sign Booth up for pottery classes, so that he can indeed, reenact the famous scene from Ghost with a certain anthropologist.

**49) **Use as many pop culture references as I can and watch the confusion unravel on Brennan's face.

**50) **Ask Clark how his day has been and tell him all the juicy gossip going on at the Jeffersonian.

**51) **Every time Booth's chewing gum, casually walk up behind him and say: "Thanks for the gum." and trot off (bonus points to me if he blushes and/or hits something)

**52) **Whenever someone enters through the Jeffersonian doors immediately run up to them and announce: "Welcome to the land of murder and bones! Mwahaha!" (I will laugh mechanically just to scare off the FBI techs too)

**53) **Play ding dong ditch at a certain Dr. Catherine Bryar**'**s house. Why? Cause I'm childish and immature and really can't be bothered to drop her into shark infested waters. Maybe Brennan could do it...

**54) **Play a drinking game with the squint squad and get them to reveal secrets for your viewing pleasure.

**55) **Dress up as a clown and knock at Booth's door on his birthday (okay, even I'm not _that _mean)

**56) **An obvious one: Write an episode for Bones (special one time deal)

**57) **Buy a bones mascot; Bonesy the friendly wolf (oh the joys of watching interns scream and run in terror)

**58) **Make Bones night, EVERY NIGHT!!!

**59) **Set fire to the lab and receive one of Cam's speeches about needing a babysitter and to never partner me with Hodgins.

**60) **Join the celibacy club!!!!

**61) **Drink a shot of tequila every time someone says: "Irrational.", "King of the Lab." and "I don't know what that means."

**62) **Bring up sex every time Booth is in the room.

**63) **Let Brennan and Booth read the many fanfiction, romance stories about them- including the strong M rated ones that are sure to get a reaction out of them.

**64) **Trade in the SUV for an Aston Martin DB5, so that Booth can have his day and drive in style like Bond.

**65) **Hide in Limbo and jump out on innocent interns (if they wet their pants, I'll gladly pay for the dry cleaning bills)

**66) **Play the blues on acoustic guitar, every time someone interrupts Sweets or leaves therapy early.

**67) **Tell Brennan how much Booth enjoys it when she wears that lab coat and talks 'squinty' to him.

**68) **Be like the interns and run in the corridors, block hallway doors and be a nuisance to society.

**69) **Place Sweets under house arrest (haha)

**70) **Whenever Booth gets up from his seat, be sure to ask: "Going to do some crocheting, Booth?"

**71) **Get Hodgins, Fisher and Sweets to dress up in Avatar get up and paint their skin blue.

**72) **(Referring to number 71) Alert Brennan that there are three giant smurfs running around the lab (bonus if she calls the police and gets them arrested)

**73) **Put the video of Brennan drunk at the Christmas party on Youtube (guarantee that her make out scene with Booth will get more views than Sweets singing 'Fireflies')

**74) **Tell Brennan that if she wants to make a deal with Caroline Julian again, then she'll have to do more than just kiss Booth under some mistletoe...I'm talking full on steamboats (with enough steam to fog up your windows)

**75) **Tell everybody that Zach didn't kill that guy....it was Gormagon!

**76) **Enter the SUV on 'Pimp my ride' (make sure that they install extra space in the back, so if B/B ever get a little frustrated in traffic...-wink-)

**77) **Lock Angela and Hodgins in a room until they have sorted out their issues together (or you know...get reacquainted)

**78) **Buy a drum kit and rock out the lab with Sweets's band.

**79) **Sign Booth up for anger management (oh how I wish Jack Nicholson was in charge like in the movie. Seeing Booth react to that would be hilarious)

**80) **Steal Sweets's Xbox.

**81) **While B/B are doing paperwork, dim the lights and put on sexy jazz music (creating the mood)

**82) **Pet name Brennan and Booth, Scully and Mulder, just to get on their nerves.

**83) **Sign Cam up for speed dating.

**84) **Ask Brennan what the meaning of life is. This could take a while...

**85) **Challenge Hodgins to a beard growing contest (I may fail, but at least I'll fail with a fuzzy feeling inside of me- and on my chin!)

**86) **Hold up a sign outside the Jeffersonian saying: "We need bones. Care to lend us a hand? Or maybe a foot...?"

**87) **Install a huge slide from the Jeffersonian entrance, all the way to the platform (don't ask)

**88) **Enlist the help of the squint squad, so that I can too, create the my very own dream team!

**89) **Make homemade firecrackers with Hodgins and set them off when Cam's not looking.

**90) **Accompany Booth to confession and learn of all the sinful thoughts he's been having about Brennan (can you bring a tape recorder into church?)

**91) **Enter Sweets on American Idol.

**92) **Do a play list of all of Angela's songs and put them onto Booth's iPod (he'll love all the Kelly Clarkson songs)

**93) **Every time Booth arrests a suspect, announce: "And he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!"

**94) **Tell Booth how fond Brennan is of his gun holster and 'concealed weapon'.

**95) **Sit backstage and play transformers with Sweets.

**96) **Ask Booth why he insists on remaining 'just partners' with Brennan (then ask if he's gay)

**97) **Make a documentary about the squint squad, using my perfected Steve Irwin impression (Rest in peace crocodile hunter)

**98) **Correct Brennan while she's identifying bones remains (continue to do so until she believes she's actually going mad)

**99) **Figure out a way to keep Bones running for the next ten years or so, without losing the viewers interest or sexual tension.

**100) **Tell them all to get a room and stop dancing around one another (it's driving me nuts!!)

**So...what would you do if you owned Bones?**


End file.
